The Easy Way

[Jean Dorsey]

I have been thinking a lot about our parenting choices lately. Specifically, I have been thinking about a conversation I had with a friend last year. She and I don't really get to talk much anymore. We are not as close as we once were...but I love her dearly.

After years of closeness, the differences in our parenting choices became like the proverbial elephant in the room. No longer was it as easy to always agree to disagree. At long last we were realizing that some of our choices were making it harder for us to mesh as well as we once were. Some things that she/I did as parents were choices that the other couldn't condone. Now, realize...this is not two strangers, two acquaintances. We were actively involved with each others families everyday. Like extended members of each others families. So, I don't say condone lightly. I truly don't.

And I'm not talking about little choices. I mean the biggies: vaccinations, health care choices, unschooling, respect, punishments, what being some one's parent means. These were such push button issues that, unfortunately, it came to a head. Things that we should have been calmly discussing over time blew up into a big, ugly mess. I still regret the way it happened because it damaged our relationship. Maybe, if we had been more open and honest all along it wouldn't have. But, this is not about maybe.

In that unfortunate blow up, my friend said she thought we made the decisions we make (like no time-outs, not restraining kids for vaccinations...not even getting vaccinations) because it was easier. That I had said when my first was young that I would do time outs and sit down dinners, but when they got older it was just easier not to.

I come back to that comment often.

That we live this way because it is easier.

One day my family was due to be at a commitment with family and friends. When it was time to get dressed, Declan realized the shirt he wanted to wear was nowhere to be found. After seeing how important this was to him, we looked for the shirt for about a half hour. Of course, when we found it, it was filthy. He was still adamant that he needed to wear that shirt. So, we washed it, and dried it...and he changed his mind.

Now, please don't think I wasn't frustrated. I remember calling Rue mid-shirt hunting and having her remind me that what I was doing was important to Declan. And I also remember thinking how easy this was. NOT! It was not easy. Making him put on a shirt he didn't want (because I'm the mom and he's the kid) would have been easier. For me. For Drew. Certainly not for Declan.

I also remember a time when Maeve refused to get in her car seat. We sat in the car for what seemed like forever until she was ready to sit so we could go. She was a peanut. I could have easily forced her in to her seat, held her down, and driven away with her crying. That would have been easy enough for me. (Physically, anyway.) But, not for Maeve.

And Drue. Drue has always been a child who feels things so deeply. She is so much like me. There have been many times it would have been easier to punish her for being strong willed. (How dare her strong will go against my strong will!)

We want our kids to be free to express their feelings. Sometimes this means laughing and shouting. But sometimes it means yelling, screaming, and crying. Sometimes at their siblings and sometimes at us. There have been many times that I have thought it would be so much easier to punish this behavior. "Don't you yell at me. Go to your room." Then I could walk away and not have to deal with it.

Every single time we make these choices, we put another brick in the foundation of our relationship with our kids. That is the memory we want for them. Feeling safe, in control, accepted, and loved. Not a memory of being bullied, controlled, or minimized.

This road is not always easier. But, we are traveling with great companions...and every day we find more love, trust, and respect along the way.

[Jean Dorsey]

But there are other parts that are easier - being together, moving with the flow and energy and desires of my child instead of against her very vigorous tide, not having to force her to do things she doesn't want to. Conventional parenting, constantly installing road blocks and barriers and having to enforce consequences - that sounds beyond hard to absolutely exhausting, spiritually and emotionally exhausting. Or having to live outside of the now by having punishments for remembered offenses or rules for imagined future scenarios. Phew!

So true. My friend is constantly in a tug of war for power and control. I would rather put the work in to growing these relationships, rather than struggling for power. (Which, in my opinion, is an imagined power or control.)

[Katherine]

I think it's important to note that schoolthink as Robyn has pointed out is about the supposed wrongness in children.

Unschooling is about the things I want to accept and love about myself and others (children included of course), change about me and/or get out of the way about for myself and others.

[Robyn L. Coburn]

This is a lovely post.

I think there are parts of this parenting that are not easy, the parts that require the extra energy that unschoolers seem willing to invest in being present, in listening, in being rigorously honest when a conventional parent might grab a quick and easy lie to avoid that extra work. Most difficult are the parts that involve looking at myself and my jerking knee, my baggage, my desire to enact the old tapes, my fear of standing different, supporting those choices of Jayn's that are not those I would prefer.


But there are other parts that are easier - being together, moving with the flow and energy and desires of my child instead of against her very vigorous tide, not having to force her to do things she doesn't want to. Conventional parenting, constantly installing road blocks and barriers and having to enforce consequences - that sounds beyond hard to absolutely exhausting, spiritually and emotionally exhausting. Or having to live outside of the now by having punishments for remembered offenses or rules for imagined future scenarios. Phew!

So what if my life is easier because of unschooling? I don't believe life has to be hard to be worthwhile. It's a protestant work ethic thing that the only things worth having are hard won. It's bogus. It's schoolthink, because so much of school is slog and irrelevant, and that makes it hard.

Some things worth doing are hard, others are wonderfully effortless. I embrace whatever is easy that is also right for me and my family. That frees so much of my energy for that which in life and the world is hard.

[The ARETZs~ Bekah.Pete.PeterJohn.Gabriel]

I Appreciate you ! Thank you for posting this. I needed it today!

[Drew]

Love the post babe.
I'll be the first to admit, I have a far more difficult time dealing with my frustrations associated with the outbursts. I know how I want to respond, more to the point, I know how I SHOULD respond, but there are times when the emotions, tension and energy level just get to the boiling point, and I'm not as cool headed as I would like to be.
It's not easy.
But, our hope is that our kids, who have learned to share their emotions freely and frankly, will be emotionally healthier for it.
It broke my heart today, to sit with a student struggling for 20 minutes trying not to cry, while she talked about some problems she was having.
This girl reminds me a great deal of my oldest daughter, and I couldn't help thinking how sad it was that this poor kid was working so hard to control something so natural.
While frustrating, and at times embarrassing, it is right, and good, and necessary to let our kids feel and express whatever they are experiencing.
Love you!

[Stephanie]

I always thought traditional parenting was the easy way out. Parents rule, punish and control, kids either obey or they don't.

What we do is all encompassing and it takes into account each child and each situation. No top down rules and punishments, we listen and discuss, it is definitely more time consuming and it's not always easy but it's worth it. The solid foundation and relationships we are building with our kids is the most precious thing we can do.

[ps pirro]

I love this post. I love the "traveling with great companions" part, because that's how I feel, too. "Easier" doesn't have to mean quicker, or more convenient. It also means "with greater ease." And ease is something we establish over time, with lots of love and respect and all kinds of opportunities (refusing car seats, needing special shirts) for us to practice along the way.