Mother Knows Best?

[AmyLK]

Well, my mother has finally learned that we have decided NOT to put our son through the craziness that is public school.  She is understanding, but always seems to have some judgements about what I am doing.  I didn't ask for her input on purpose because I already knew her opinion on the matter.  She is worried because my son 'doesn't have any friends already' and I work full time, and my husband works near full time and is luckily to be able to bring our little guy with him to work- at least for now.  My husband and I are very shy (my husband more so than I) and she worries that because we have a hard time socially, our son will be even worse off and more socially inept than we are.  She is a worry-wart, which is where I get it from ;) but she also is a counselor and is used to picking things apart and analyzing things to death.  I realize her concern, but I also suddenly have this guilt.  I tend to ignore this guilt that often arrises when my mother and I do not see eye to eye- and this happens quite often, so most of the time I forgo asking her for advice or sharing anything about my life with her.  

In regards to our son's social life, I have tried to 'hang-out' with other moms and their kids who appear to be on similar wave-lengths as our little family, and what I find is that we are too different.  THere is always something that bothers me and I end up ignoring requests to 'come play' or I don't initiate another play-date.  I don't like having to make small talk and 'get along' with moms and their kids when I just don't feel it.  I know, I know- that's life, right?  Part of living is learning to live with each other despite our differences, but I just can't seem to find friends for our family and our son that resonate with our way of life.  Of course, if my son went to public school, I would have no say in who he decides are his friends and the games and language/terms that he would learn.  THis is also true for if I left my son with a babysitter, nanny, or a mom with her kids-  I just don't do it. There are so many things I disapprove of which I do see/hear in the presence of other people, I am too afraid of what I would not see if I was not there...

Maybe I need to relax and let it go.  Obviously, I am still processing all of this  but I still feel pretty set in the fact that my son will not go to public school.... but there is now this tiny irritating voice that resembles my mother's which is pricking my ears with guilt.  Although I have joined some homeschooling and unschooling online networks, the idea of 'meeting new people' or 'trying to socialize my son' in some way is rather overwhelming.  My job is in an extremely social environment and I have become somewhat of a 'trained extrovert', however, I do not enjoy being social outside of work; in the real world, I suppose.  I don't like to spread myself thin in such a way like when I was in my teens/early twenties.  I am not the social butterfly I once was, and I don't really miss it.... but there is that tiny irritating voice that resembles my mother's...... 

[Vida Evenson]

Amy,

We decided to unschool our girls from the start.  We lived (until 2 months ago) on a very small island in Greece with a population of 500 people.  We lived outside of the village and so our girls had very little "socialization".  They spent their years growing (now 12) up in the wild... barefoot, grubby, full of burrs etc as they scrambled along the rugged paths.  They never got along with the village kids... just too different from them and like you said, they too had a hard time with the issues found among schooled kids.  So they would stop going down to play with them preferring instead their natural world around them plus tons of stuffed animals to play with. 

 

We just moved to the mainland a bit closer to a main city so that they can have more access to different things (going to see a movie is a BIG deal for us and something we were never able to do).  I had that voice in my head... my mother's, my father's, my mil, society's... all there seeping guilt into my decision to unschool.  I just wanted you to get a POV from a VERY private and unsocial family (both DH and I love our peace and quiet and I personally will not "chit-chat") so you can see that at 12 both of our girls are unbelievably social.... WHEN they feel like it.  They never had play dates, or other un/homeschooling families to hang out with. They never went to dance classes or other classes to "socialize" them.  Socialization has nothing to do with throwing kids into social situations, imho.

They are amazing.  ALL my worries/guilt about leading such a radically different lifestyle in a VERY traditional country have vanished.  It was all in my head... certainly not in my girls' life.  They're having a ball everyday doing whatever they love to do.  Stay with your beliefs and wants and just let those voices in your head say what they want to say and then let it go as best you can. 

[AmyLK]

I definitely help him out :) giving him advice on how to remedy each situation- I watch and listen like a hawk compared to the other parents.... sometimes I think I am being too 'involved' or 'controlling' in this way...but this is just in comparison to the other 'uninvolved' parents :) thanks for the reassurance! :)

[Meredith]

 I do notice that when he does get kid time he has a hard time dealing with issues that arise and gets angry very quickly when he can't solve this issue

 

Stay as close as you can and help him out. It's pretty natural for young children to have a harder time dealing with other kids who are close in age. That's one of the advantages of homeschooling in a general sense - kids have more time with adults and older children, so they have a chance to learn better social skills. When you put a bunch of kids with few skills together, they're not going to learn "good" skills, except by accident.

[AmyLK]

Thanks for taking some time to comment with your thoughts! It's great to hear others' experiences in response to my venting ;)  Yep- it's true- all my mother knows are people who are a product of a schooled society.... maybe I should remind her that ALL 4 of her children dropped out of school ;) 

Yes, he enjoys working with his Dad a lot; but he also craves kid time a bit- we go to the park often and he gets some time in.  He is always saying "I'm gonna go play with that kid!"  which is great to see him be so brave and adventurous.  He seems to be more of an extrovert than my husband and I (I am an extrovert on the 'outside' but a true introvert.. I would rather be alone) but my little man doesn't seem to experience 'withdrawals' or anything; but I do notice that when he does get kid time he has a hard time dealing with issues that arise and gets angry very quickly when he can't solve this issue, or when certain kids won't let him play for whatever reason.  For example: at the park a few weeks ago, he started running around with 3 other kids who were 'playing pirates'.  They decided to designate my son as Captain Hook- who my son is unfamiliar with because we are VERY choosy when it comes to what and when he watches movies etc. if at all.  He could not understand why these kids kept saying "it's HOOOK!! RUN AWAY! Get away HOOOOK!!!"  He became sad, then extremely upset and stormed off in a full fit, red in the face- I told him to just 'talk it out' and tell them you don't know who 'Hook' is and that you would like to play a friendly game......so there' that... which I do think he will learn as time goes by, but as I said before, it's those types of situations that keep us from forming any kind of relationship with people.

On a good day at the park, he will have so much fun, that when it's finally time to go (after multiple reminders that he has 5 minutes that was always extended), he has a complete melt down and fit yelling and screaming at me... sigh. 

 

He definitely seems to get along with older kids better. Children his own age seem to instigate a lot of the behavior/games I simply cannot tolerate.  He is also extremely sharp, witty (hilarious in fact!), and creative- kids his age just don't understand him and are rarely on his level.

 

Just to clarify-(maybe I  don't need to :) )- I am not second guessing myself in my decision to unschool- but my Mom's words of disapproval in her mere attempt to support me are swimming in my head..as always... 

[Meredith]

My partner and I are both introverts and both found school didn't help in the least, socially. I know that for me it took me years after getting away from school to learn to actually socialize! It has been a relief to watch my daughter - also an introvert - develop social skills much more naturally and easily by giving her the space to decide when to interact and when to observe and take it all in - and when to retreat, too.

 

It's also interesting to me that my stepson - who's extremely social - did better for many years being home and mostly associating with adults rather than children. Despite being a people person, Ray needed so much attention that playing with other kids was really stressful for him - they all wanted to be the center of attention too! He had much more success - and learned better social skills as a result - playing with a few adults and teens rather than other kids.

 

Keep in mind that, as a counsellor, your mom also mainly knows the reactions of kids in school and adults who have been to school. Her experience doesn't extend to unschooling - so she's no more of an expert on your child than you are ;) Is your son happy? Does he enjoy the company of the people he is with? Does he clamor for more time with other kids? When he spends time with kids does he seem to crave more - or does he have a great time but need time to recover afterwards? Observing your own child will give you more information than making guesses based on the needs and reactions of children who are made to associate with a crowd of age-peers whether they like it or not.