parenting journeys

[laura bowman]

my friend, cheryl, wrote a really nice post on her blog...it felt really familiar. i commented on it and realized that my comment might make a good post since i've not been doing much at the posting helm lately. here is my comment to her post:

"isn't it amazing how quickly things can change...from peaceful to chaos in just seconds? BUT, it's also amazing how much of an impression our general attitude and demeanor have on our children in those situations. they pick up on our peaceful energy as well as the chaotic and follow suit.

and it IS super different to know something, to believe in a way of being and the actual practice part. i've been unschooling for years & years, but only in the last couple have i been able to even begin to let go of my need to control everything and really implement my beliefs in a way that my heart has been trying to make sense of and knows is the right path for us.

i have also been in that position of speaking with an onlooker who thinks we are just so wonderful as a family...and i have to let them know we actually ARE human and that not all moments are so wonderful. but that mostly, if i let them be, yes...they really are or could be. and that always goes back to me and my attitude, my false expectations or ideals vs. my faith in their inherent goodness and wonder.

it's something awesome to navigate these waters of our lives as parents. wonderful and treacherous at the same time. to learn more everyday and be our best selves. i don't know who i would be without the gift of having had children and how it has changed me in ways i never would have thought possible."

we spent the weekend with some fellow unschoolers in columbia for the 3rd time in so many months and as usual, it was a learning experience for me. i always come away with some new insight. it is why i make such an effort now to surround myself as often as possible with other unschoolers. i think that no matter how long i am on this journey i will always feel that i am just beginning. not in a "going in circles" sort of way, but in a "wow, i can do better" way. i've been going to sandra dodd's food chats the last 2 weeks and they have been really helpful. i feel that i get it, always have. but the practice part is an internal struggle that i am getting better and better at dealing with and keeping from being external (i.e. dumping my worries and hesitations and control all over my kids and husband...it's MY thing, not THEIRS!!). in yesterday's chat when i asked for some mantra to keep me from my knee-jerk reactions, sandra shared the insights of diana jenner and it went something like this: if your child died tomorrow, would any of this matter? slammed me up against a wall. and cleared up my vision real well...new glasses-like!! thank you both for that!!

i will never know what is up ahead for me and my family, all i know is that the journey part has been amazing and i can't imagine my life any other way!

[Katherine]

I was just talking with my friend Micki who totally gets unschooling and was a very relaxed homeschooler for many years with her now-grown 5 children (well the youngest is 17 and living with her dad down the street from her now). She grew up in a very liberal relaxed way herself, unlike me, and like me she has struggled a great deal with controlling others.

So this morning on the phone I was saying my new thing with anybody lately has been to do nothing when it's against how I think things should go. To hold on to that feeling of wanting to jump in with my opinion, and wait. Sit on it! Like they used to say on Happy Days. Remember the Fonz?

Anyway. I'm not very good with mantras. I tote my opinions around and have been known to hand them out rather quickly. Very ineffective and boring as hell anyway. So the thought of sitting on them worked for me.

And then after many weeks, after whatever it is has been going on for a while --if I still feel the same way (and sometimes I gracefully change my mind about the opinion(s) I have without sticking both feet in my mouth and in the bargain quietly gain a new perspective to put in place of an old worn out more-than-ready-to-retire opinion)-- THEN I revisit that opinion I've been sitting on. I think about why I believe it and if necessary I find a way to share it in a way that makes better sense than the way I have talked about it in the past. In the meantime, whoever's been doing whatever it is has been doing it for a while unhindered by me and so they have a bit of experience with me not interfering in it to contrast with being interfered with. And if I've done it right and really given myself long enough to really consider things as they are, I can say what I'd rather have much more clearly and give good reasons. And pick the best time to say it in too.

Freedom to make decisions being a big one. Yes. A person (me) could be less controlling about their own freedom to decide things for themselves. It has been great to break down the many ways I enjoy that freedom in general in many areas of living. And "sitting on it" helped me to figure out better expressions about the importance of that freedom that don't normally exist in the vernacular of my family of origin or Brian's.

I'm in my 4th decade now. I've desired the skills in the above paragraphs all that time. Nobody can convince me that people reach an age when they know it all or think they do and can't grow anymore. I'm STUBBORN. I did not think this kind of growth was really possible until I came across unschooling.

Getting to a place where you can be happy is a lot more doable than getting where you can be perfect. No one's perfect. Well ok. Good thing cuz that's not my goal anyway. ;)

[Sandra Dodd]

Once in a while someone comes by who uses "no one's perfect" to not even try to be better, so I do agree there's no such thing as a perfect family, but I never dreamed our family could be as happy and close as we are. I thought the kids would learn some cool things but that generally they'd be like other people their age when they were grown, and that then Keith and I would be as we ever were. WRONG! Everything is stunningly bigger and better, and has gradually grown so over the past twenty years.

We didn't just get lucky. Lots of families have become more happy too, and places like this forum give others chances to do that too! VERY cool, and thank you again, Laura!

[Christine Yablonski]

So true, so true. At last year's L&L, a bunch of us talked about this at one of the meals. It was mentioned that people who are first learning about unschooling might look at the families who "get it" & have been doing it for a while & think, "Well, but that's them. They got lucky. My family isn't like theirs".

I think it's important to remember that there is no such thing as a Perfect Family. Life is a journey, & every member of a family has their own path to follow. As we change & grow as people we need to figure out how to remain connected to each other as a family. Sometimes the road is smooth & sunny. And sometimes the road is mucky! As long as we keep being mindful & aware, & help our children to do the same, we should be able to find joy in the journey.

[Rain Fordyce]

Thank you Laura, beautiful insights!
An unschooling family is mostly joyful and yet, it is great to remember in those few challenging moments, that letting go and breathing, just might be our greatest tool.

smiles on your day!
Rain