Radical Unschooling When Your Child Wants to Go to School

[Kerry Estey Keith]

Our family has been unschooling for 16 years.  Unschooling is often misunderstood.  For one thing, it's not just about the decision to go to school or not go to school.  It is a holistic lifestyle choice.  It is about embracing all members of the family as equals; It's about Taking Children's Choices Seriously and allowing each member of the family a say in the decision making process.

Unschooling means respecting every family member's opinion even if it differs from our own. 

It's about Finding Common Preferences when the family can't agree.

Go on any unschooling forum and people are under the impression children are running wild (technically not a bad thing), eating and doing whatever they want, with no guidance.  This would be based on an assumption that there are no parents (with opinions) around.  As parents, we still need to protect our children; It's just important to explain our opinions to them.  They will want to know why we guide them in the way we do.  

This way of living within a family will challenge every "rule" (arbitrary or otherwise.)  Arbitrary rules will be rooted out by children, as will any unclear or unfair request or demand.  It is inevitable:  we will become better communicators if we choose the unschooling lifestyle.

One of my favorite parenting educators is Scott Noelle who really calls it like it is. He has a daily e-mail called the "Daily Groove."  Very enjoyable.

So, as it stands today, our youngest unschooler (10 years old) decided to go to school this year (5th grade.)  She loves it and even with the added work load, still stays up on her study of violin/fiddle, is on the gymnastics team (12+ hrs/wk) and spends hours drawing. 

Her being in school hasn't changed the way our family works together.  It has changed the amount of freedom we have.  It has changed the amount of family time we have and the amount of time spent wandering the creeks barefoot.  But the smiling face of my daughter is worth the trade-off.  She sees school as just another activity to enrich her life.  She knows she is not bound by it; it is just one more choice in the bottomless pool of choices. 

Isn't that what we all want for our children: to be self-directed, happy, confident and curious human beings?

As I write, Kiva is on stage playing the fiddle with 12 other musicians.  They were all chosen to be in The Sharlot Hall Museum Historical Music Conservatory.  They meet weekly for two hours and have already begun to play out in public (they've been playing together for about two months.)  This choice is all hers.  She practices happily every day without being asked.  The director of the Conservatory asked for a commitment.  She gave it and takes it seriously. 

An unschooler from day one!

 

Check out the Creek and Mesa website for more about our wilderness life.

 

[Nance Confer]

Imagine how well more students would do in school if they were all there by choice. :)

[Nuria]

I really appreciated reading this. My son is choosing to stay in school and knows now he has a choice to stay home. I see such a change in him since we told him he's free to continue or stop. He seems more committed somehow. He's really choosing.

[Missy Bell]

Yes!  And - no problem!

[Rosie S]

Yay, beautiful replies. Thanks so much!  I think I was thinking along those lines, but couldn't articulate it.  A funny thought just crossed my mind, too - getting together with a bunch of "kinder age" unschoolers and playing school!  I guess the appeal of kindergarten to the little ones (according to their schooled grandmothers) is the idea of making a mess with paint and water with some other kids.  Recreate that at home, and maybe the desire for "school" would be sated without any need for going right into actual enrollments.  That said, if we were close enough by a school and DD was of the age and wanted to try it, I daresay we'd let her.  Also, I loved the idea of arranging the visit to Italy, or if that was impossible, then doing "Italy-related" stuff.  I remember, actually, from my own childhood, that my parents would sometimes give me something outright when I asked for it when what I actually wanted was something slightly different - something beneath the surface.  More freedom, perhaps, more fun, or maybe more connection.  Etc.  Anyway I'm late-night ranting but thanks for your food-for-thought comments :D

[Missy Bell]

If that wasn't possible (sorry for the multiple threads here), then I would get books about Italy, make foods from Italy, listen to Italian music, and maybe visit a Little Italy in the city.

[Missy Bell]

Also - if my four year old wanted to move to Italy, and I didn't think moving there was an option, and no one else was interested in moving to Italy, I might then do all in my power to arrange a visit to Italy.

[Missy Bell]

No - you wouldn't move to Italy just for your four year old.  Neither would we.  Decisions that involve the entire family should be discussed and made by the entire family - hearing everyone's voice equally and making the rational decision without being afraid to think outside the box.  You don't tie your family down because one member of the family wants something - but if you are able to give that person what they need, then you do it out of love.  If my son wants to go fishing, and we need to return library books and my daughter has a swimming lesson, and there is no way I can get him fishing, then we go to the library and we take my daughter to her lesson, and my son has to wait.  For me, part of unschooling is mutual respect among all family members.  Doing things that are not just for the convenience of the parents, but for the good of all persons involved - with the understanding that what I think it good for everyone isn't always really the best thing.

[Rosie S]

Here's another thought, though - if your 4 year old wanted to move to Italy, and you had put roots down where you currently were, would you move in that case?  (Just taking it to the extreme, for brainstorming's sake.)  Our plans include travelling, in some instances to where schools may not be.  It's hair raising for me to imagine giving that much freedom to a small child to make decisions regarding the whole family - after all, if I were to say she could do either, then we'd be bound to the "normal life" while she wanted to be in school.  Anyway, I can't imagine that any sane 4 year old would choose school over travel with a fun family, but I thought I'd extend the hypothetical out there just to see what others think.  As again, an older child - yes, I can see the whole family making decisions together in that regard - but a 4 year old?  (Not trying to provoke here.  I'm genuinely interested.)

[Missy Bell]

Rosie - I think that the option for your kids should be an open one.  They need to know that they can go to school if they want to, but they are equally allowed to stay home if they want to.  You don't need to mention school to her, but, as you stated, she already knows it exists.  If your four year old really wants to be in school, then I don't see anything wrong with sending her to school, as long as she knows that she can always come home, they you are happy to have her home.  I don't see it as any different than my son asking for a certain book, or game, or video, or object - school is just another resource.  If you treat it that way, she will treat it that way as well.  Your job as a parent is to make her life at home so rich that she won't need school.  If she still WANTS school, then that's her choice.  (just my opinion)

[Rosie S]

Wonderful post.  I have often wondered about this scenario myself, as I personally have a loathing of schools ;) but want to face front-on the possibility that at some stage my daughter might want to go to school.  As it is, she isn't of "school age" yet so we haven't had to think about it... but here's a question.  Since all of our extended family assume and push that DD "will be going to school", and constantly slip sentences (half-automatically, even though they know our plans) - "WHEN you go to school," "WHEN you're in school", "WHEN you're old enough to go to school", etc - what if my DD, upon turning 4, decides she wants to go to school?  I'd be sorely tempted to say, "No," in that instance.  My instinct would be to tell her that we were going to try learning at home first, in a natural way, and to reassess maybe mid-way through the year.  If she was still desperate to try school, then I guess I'd let her try it.  But is this perhaps too controlling?  See, the way I see it, a 4 year old is still really a baby.  "They're babies till they're 5," as one of my friends puts it.  So I do make boundaries for babies - I won't let DD put her hand full on the hot burner, or poke the dog's eye.  I won't let her eat chocolate all day and I won't let her pee deliberately on the floor.  So what do you folks think - at the beginning of "school age" (a term which, again, I loathe!) do you keep them home despite their potential protests?  After all, I'd hate to eventually have a teenage daughter who decided to rebel because she felt I had deprived her of school... even though, had she gone, she might have hated it... at what age do you give that freedom to choose?

 

Open to all thoughts and suggestions!