Rewarding (Bribing) Children To Learn

[Joanne]

**originally posted at my blog**

I'm not a fan of bribing children to learn. Even before I removed my children from school, I hated the message that rewarding them with pizza parties, candy and money (yes, money), was sending to them. These "rewards" were held out in front the students like a dangling carrot, with the promise that it could be theirs if they learned what the school wanted them to learn.

The message? I believe it's two-fold.

1: If someone had to bribe me to do something, my first thought would be "It must be unpleasant if you have to bribe me to do it". When my daughter Shawna was in school, they were always trying different bribes/rewards to make her read more. It wasn't working and the more they tried, the more she hated reading. "We'll give you candy if you finish that book!". She read the book, but stopped when they candy ran out. "We'll give you a prize". She read for the prize and then stopped when the prizes ran out. They didn't realize (or didn't care) they were sending her a message that reading is so horrible that she would only want to do it for candy and prizes.

I've always enjoyed reading and I'd be lying if I said I didn't want my kids to enjoy it also....but only if they wanted to.

Fast forward to right now. The years that she has been out of school, she's had the freedom to read if she wants to. There are no bribes. Just shelves and shelves of interesting books for her to read, when she's ready and if she chooses. Nowadays, she reads for 3-4 hours a day, because she enjoys it. Ask her what her favorite activities are and reading is always in the top three. It took about a year of deschooling for her to get to that point. It took me backing off and letting go. It took me trusting her. If I forced her to read, how would she ever have the chance to do it on her own? How would she ever know if she enjoyed it, if she wasn't given the chance to?

One of her friends came over last summer (a schooled friend) and my daughter was very excited to tell her about a book she had just read. Her friend said "You have to read in the summer??!!" My daughter was confused and caught off guard. Her friend went on to ask "What are you getting for reading that book?" My daughter said that she read the book because she enjoyed it. Her friend looked at her like she had two heads.

2: Food and candy were often used as bribes when my girls were in school. Pizza, chocolate, candy and ice cream were used time and time again to get the students to learn something that the school assumed the students would not want to learn on their own. I believe this sets them up with an unhealthy view of food. If a child has their candy controlled and then used as a reward, how else will they react other than trying to eat as much as possible when they have the chance? You see those kids at birthday parties, standing by the chips or candy, eating as much as possible. I've had children come to my house and finish a whole bowl of m&m's that were meant for everybody. It's sad. Don't schools (and parents who do this) see that their giving that candy or pizza too much power?

Not only do I never use food as a bribe, my girls don't have their food controlled. It didn't happen overnight though...it took lots of discussions and modeling on my part to get to this point, but I now have two daughters with a healthier outlook of food than most adults I meet.

When we first adopted them, my middle daughter was that child hovering near the chips at a birthday party. She was the one who gorged herself on candy in fear there would be no more. So when a parent says "If I let them, they'll eat candy all day", I agree because if a child has their candy controlled and doled out only as rewards, yes, they will try to eat as much as they can get. Can you blame them?

But...if children are given the freedom to learn things as they come up naturally in life, there's no need to bribe them with the promise of a reward to force them to learn something when they're not ready. I believe that rewards motivate students to get rewards, not to learn.

[Joanne]

>>>>>I know the topic was bribing children to learn and sorry I got off on a tangent about the idea itself.>>>>>>

No problem Sandra. I always find your tangents useful. :-)

[Sandra Dodd]

I know the topic was bribing children to learn and sorry I got off on a tangent about the idea itself. Lately it seems there have been lots of extreme interpretations of unschooling. Sorry.

I wanted to say you can't bribe them to learn. You can maybe bribe them to do busywork or to memorize and repeat things, but learning isn't a state or an action that can really be commanded, and that might help clarify ideas too, and help people form a defense if relatives are wanting to "bribe to learn,"

[Joanne]

Hi again Sue...(sorry it took me a bit to get back to you)

>>>>>>>She's beautiful (on the outside is all I can see in the photo, but I have an idea about how you've helped her be beautiful inside, with such great acceptance).>>>>

Thank you. It was a rocky road with her for a while, but it was important for her to have a good relationship with her family and in the end, it was more important than the anger she was holding onto.

>>>>>I adopted my son when he was 9 months old. He'd been in a lovely foster home until then, and his former foster mom has cared for him while I'm at work from then on. >>>>>

That's great! I love meeting other unschoolers who've adopted.

I run a private forum for adoptive parents (not just unschoolers) if you're interested. It was created in 2002 and is loaded with supportive and compassionate members.
http://forums.foreverparents.com

>>>>>>>>I've told him that when he eats too much of the sweet stuff at once, it makes me think I should buy it less often. That feels judgmental to me. I'm wondering whether you have any ideas about how to point out the issue without judging. (He does get stomach-aches a lot, but they don't seem to be related to particular eating habits. My best guess would be it's more about anxiety.)>>>>>

It took a while with Shawna and while she was healing from her eating issues, I loaded the house with healthy food. I wanted to help her with the fear that there wasn't going to be enough food so as I was allowing her more and more control over her eating, I bought food that was good for her and might help in the healing process. When I bought cake or cookies, I put it out, just like everything else...I just wasn't buying it as often. She didn't care because she was still getting used to having control over her own eating. I didn't tell her that I wasn't going to buy cake and cookies (or whatever)...I just didn't buy it as much. When I noticed her eating issues subsiding, I started buying cookies, ice cream, etc, a little more frequently and she treated it like everything else.....she knew that it was there and that when it was finished, we could buy more.

I hope this helps some.... :-)

Monica.....

My 16 year old son is almost 6'4"...and he's still growing. The doctor said he may be 6'5"-6'6" when he's full grown. I'm only 4'11"....LOL

[Sandra Dodd]

I would like to recommend this:
http://sandradodd.com/balance
and remind people that to go all the way to the far end of the earth to avoid "bribes" can be as harmful as always offering bribes. I'm pretty sure my husband wouldn't work at Honeywell if they didn't pay him. Marty probably wouldn't have missed two good out-of-town trips to stay at work and bus tables if he didn't really want to continue to own his jeep. He has loan payments and likes having a job.

When I speak at a conference, I'm given airfare or gas money, and one of my kids or more gets in without charge. They give me a place to stay and sometimes food. Sometimes money. Should I feel guilty that I didn't do that without a bribe? I don't think of it as a bribe when I tell Holly that if she'll go with me on not-so-fun errands I'll take her to lunch.

[Monica Manzano]

Wow, bribery looks to be so damaging to kiddos view towards food. I'm rather out of touch since my boys haven't been to school since 2000. I was more worried that Tomas, age 12, was too thin. He is thin, but tall. Our last dr. appt though dr said it was normal that he have episodes of want. He goes for the protein and fat.

WHen he's about to shoot up again, coincides with his request for bratwurst or burgers. He's 5'7" at age 12.

A cousin of dh's lives in Mexico city and playes semi professional basketball. I'm the shorty in the family now, 5'5. I just hope he doesn't have to have size 22 shoes, like that cousin. I believe they special order shoes from here.

Monica

[Sue VanHattum]

Joanne, thanks for sharing! She's beautiful (on the outside is all I can see in the photo, but I have an idea about how you've helped her be beautiful inside, with such great acceptance).

I adopted my son when he was 9 months old. He'd been in a lovely foster home until then, and his former foster mom has cared for him while I'm at work from then on. (She and I have pretty different values, so it's hard on him sometimes now. She watches him on Mondays, and he goes to his 'freeschool' the other 4 days.) I don't think he has any eating issues, just the normal (hard-wired in, imo) craving so many of us have for sweets.

I've told him that when he eats too much of the sweet stuff at once, it makes me think I should buy it less often. That feels judgmental to me. I'm wondering whether you have any ideas about how to point out the issue without judging. (He does get stomach-aches a lot, but they don't seem to be related to particular eating habits. My best guess would be it's more about anxiety.)

Warmly,
Sue

[Joanne]

Hi Sue!!!!

>>>>Wow! I had no idea the extent of the bribing. I completely agree - that is so detrimental to real learning.>>>>

Bribing is something the schools do all the time. I remember when my son's math teacher told him she would give him $5.00 if he learned his eight and nine times table. He learned it alright....got the money and then forgot it. That was five years ago and he still doesn't know how to multiply. (He's back in school-long story). I guess he's waiting for someone to offer him money again.

On the other hand, my ten year old daughter has been unschooled since the she's six and was NOT in school when it would have been time for her to learn how to multiply. It came up naturally with her, when we would go shopping mostly. There was no bribing, just thinking out loud, involving her in my life and taking the time to answer her questions. And I wasn't looking for wants to teach her multiplication - honestly, it just came up...and when it did, I didn't keep it to myself.

>>>I'd love to hear more about the discussions and modeling that went on at your house.>>>>

LOL- you opened up a can of worms, Sue.

I adopted my kids in 2003, when they were 6, 9 and almost 12. They're now 10, 13 and 16.

My middle child (my daughter Shawna) came to us with eating issues. She would horde food, eat everything as quickly as possible, eat everyone's leftovers, worry about there not being enough food, gorge herself when she was upset and overeat when she was feeling bad about herself.

During the first two years, I made sure that she always knew there was enough food in the house. I would show her the food in the freezer and in the cabinets. I would take her shopping so she could see I was buying food. I would ask her to help me prepare meals. I also removed her from school the year after we adopted them so I had a lot of time to spend with her, trying to help her.

At the same time that I was doing that, I never used food as a punishment or a reward. I also tried to not be the source of making her feel bad about food or eating. (That was hard at times because she would literally stuff herself until she was sick). I never brought it up WHILE she was eating.

What I did during that time, was talk to her, when food wasn't around. That was key to a lot of this. I made sure all our conversations took place when she wasn't eating. Mostly in the car or when we were in the yard. We talked about feeling good when we eat healthy, how I feel when I eat to much, how I feel when I eat to much of one type of food, things that happened to her in her biological home regarding food (there wasn't enough at times and she would be hungry), things that happened in one of the foster homes she was in (they withheld snacks from her). It was just very casual (if you can imagine conversations like this being casual) and supportive on my end.

One of the other things I did was, give her more and more freedom and control over food. This did not happen overnight or all at once. It was a gradual process. She had never had that kind of control over her eating before. All the while, we talked and discussed things...not just food, but all sorts of stuff.

When we would have meals, I would talk out loud (like I said before) and when i was full, I would say "I've had enough. I don't want to eat anymore because I'll feel to full and I don't like that feeling". When she would want to eat candy in the morning and she would offer some to me, I would say "No thanks, I feel better when I've eaten breakfast first. Would you like to have breakfast first?" and then bite my tongue when she would say no and eat a whole chocolate bar. When she would start not feeling good, I never said "I told you so"...instead I said, "That's how I feel when I eat chocolate before breakfast. Maybe next time, you could have some eggs first".

It took a lot of me sharing my experiences with her, but then knowing that she wouldn't take my word for it, she had to experience it for herself. So if I told her that eating chocolate to early in the day (and she knows I love chocolate) makes me feel icky, she would still have to do it herself. Knowing this, I still shared my experiences with her, because it helped her see that she could trust me to share correct information. (Trust was a BIG issue with us early in the adoption).

After about a year and a half, I started to see major changes. She ate slower because she wasn't afraid it would be taken away. She didn't have to eat everything at once because she knew there would be more.

I also started to realize that when she and I weren't connecting as much, she would resort back to old eating habits. It took some self-examining on my part. About two years ago, I started to notice her falling back into some of her old eating patterns and I couldn't understand why. I know that with kids like Shawna (who overcome trauma and abuse) there is a lot of moving forward and backward in the progress so I went back to basics with her and started spending more alone time with her again. Her eating issues subsided quickly and the light bulb went off. She needed more time with me. So now a days, I'm aware of that. I make it my business to go out with her alone. I spend time with her, just the two of us, shopping or playing games. She needs that. It fills an emotional need that she used to use food for.

It's been a tough road with Shawna...she's been through things some of us only have nightmares about. She is still on her healing path and she may always be...but she has come a long way.

This is Shawna....this picture was taken last year when she was 12.

[Sue VanHattum]

Wow! I had no idea the extent of the bribing. I completely agree - that is so detrimental to real learning.

I have recently decided that it harms our relationship for me to try to control my son's eating. I've said he gets to choose, but I will tell him whether I think he's making a healthy choice. Maybe I shouldn't tell, but just ask "What does your body want right now to be healthy?" I decide what to buy. Some of what I buy is not the most healthy thing possible, because he wants the softer bread, and cheese puffs. I buy some sweets, not much.

I'm wondering if I jumped into this too suddenly. He had 2 popsicles yesterday, bacon, a piece of honey toast cut into 6 small pieces, with 2 chocolate-covered raisins on each small piece, some animal crackers at a friend's house, and not much else. Sometimes he eats really healthy food, but many days look like this.

I'd love to hear more about the discussions and modeling that went on at your house.

Warmly,
Sue