Unschooling an Only Child

[Leticia]

Boy did I get myself "quarked". I mean it in a way where I'm the tiniest of the tiny piece of the whole. I know we are all one with the all and sometimes believe we are separate from others. But this separation is what I'm experiencing and although I'm grasping it more and more it's been a roller coaster ride (maybe why I LOVE ROLLERCOASTERS) . I've been unschooling an only child with my spouse who is several years my senior whom happens to be "blanco" (I'm Latino) and we both aren't religious (I know classes of individuals isn't important, just thought I'd physically describe us). We both are college educated and love our daughter grandly. We sometimes disagree (actually many times) on deschooling, but are achieving a common point somewhere in the abyss of the unschooling world.

Many times I have felt alone and wondered why I have not been embraced in my radical path (as seen by them) to unschool an only child. I really feel within me that this is where our happiness lies inspite of not finding a common ground with others. I continue to follow this path that I so feel is the right way but have only gained to alienate my family and aquintances from accepting me as I am. I've been told having an only child gears spoiled, inconsiderate, unsociable people besides the ubiquitous socialization questions homeschoolers get asked.

I'm pretty hardy and know myself too good to allow to be hurt or to take any of this personal. The only thing I can say is that it's a bit sad that we are wasting our time not connecting more, enjoying each other, getting to know each other and just being happy about respecting each others differences and ways of being. In the end after it's all said and done isn't it that the common ground we all seek is to be happy? I hope my daughter sees with her heart and brings a peace within her so to strive to be conscience about humanity and life. That's what I wish for her to be (if not now, it will eventually be).

Love/Peace
Leticia Werner

[Jessica]

We have an only child also. DD who is 5 almost 6.
It is amazing how many people have a comment about it. Especially when we announce that we homeschool. I agree with the poster that said we live in a society where people insert their opinions where they aren't needed.

[kissesmomof4]

I grew up as an only child. I was very social, pretty darn normal, and polite and considerate. I still would say I am all those things, well maybe not the normal part. I am kind of a free spirit.

Anyway I just wanted to give you support and tell you that it is not any person's business if you have one or twenty children. I have no clue why society feels the need to pick on people if they decide to have a small family or a very large family. Trust me even if you have a nice moderate family with four children someone is not going to like it ;)

Do what you believe is right for YOUR child, do it boldly, and do it proudly!

[lisa meuser]

http://www.mothering.com/discussions/showthread.php?t=652903
Here is a thread on Mothering.com about having an only child- it is a support thread. Its quite long, but is filled with positive stories and some positive research about Only families.
We also have one child, by choice. It has been one of the most difficult choices of my life, but each time i went inside to do the work considering having another I have always come to the desire of having one. :)
I love our small family. It is so uncommon in my area for their to be families with just one child, but luckily one of our best friends is also a family of three. :)

[Julie]

Hi Leticia
Sadly there seems to be a lack of respect for boundaries in our society. As people feel the need to ascert their opinion on whats best for others and of course that is based on their experiences and baggage. Walk tall! Sounds like these experiences have given you the opportunity to know what you dont want in your life. Your desire for acceptance of all shines through, your child has a wonderful role model.

[Meredith]

In a way I have two "onlies" with eight years difference in age. And days when Ray's at his bio mom's house Mo's an "only" again for sure.

I've been told having an only child gears spoiled, inconsiderate, unsociable people
Well, I've heard the same about radical unschooling ;) So I guess its a good fit, right? I'm teasing. The only times in his life Ray has been inconsiderate, lacking in social graces and seeming "spoiled" he has been massively lacking in attention and support. When that void is filled he is a very pleasant, graceful companion. Personally I find I'm better able to give Ray the support he needs when I think of him as an only child - when I erase Morgan from the picture and ask "what does Ray alone need?" I find more and better solutions than when I try to problem solve for both kids at once. The same goes for Mo. Maybe that's because they've both been only children (Ray lived with his mom for a few years after Mo was born, so she was an only, too) or maybe its a way for me to acknowledge them as individuals more fully. With so many years between, neither is much a part of the others' world.

[Katherine]

Ah.. maybe it's a good thing I don't have much of a social life in person. I get a lot of support online which is great and I manage to stay on track most of the time and make progress toward better unschooling. We have an only child too. It's amazing how people think that's so easy and not really an accomplishment or something. I don't think of Karl as status symbol like that.. he's his own person.

That's a very mainstream line of thought about children being spoiled anyway. I think you'd encounter whether you had one or five children. Here's some thoughts about that line of thought.

To get more support for unschooling, I've been enjoying the chats here. There's one scheduled for Wednesday of next week with Ren Allen, unschooling mom of kids 7 to early 20s (not sure what number Trevor's up to these days).

Also Anne Ohman has a ning network at shinewithunschooling.ning.com and you might like that as well.

[ColleenP]

Hi Leticia. If you need some statistics handy for when people come at you with that kind of nonsense (that only children are "spoiled, inconsiderate, unsociable people") you should read "Maybe One" by Bill McKibben. The book is an argument for single child families (for environmental reasons) but also addresses our national prejudice against only children and gives lots of great statistics on how they may fare better, in many ways, than their peers who have siblings. It's all to be taken with a grain of salt, I think, but the statistics do come in handy now and then. :)

[Home4skool]

You said it! :)